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Thursday, 1 March 2007

The Couch, not the couch!

I am 54. I have 1 grown child, and married into a family with 5 children. Now when kids grow up they are supposed to leave the nest have grandkids and as grandparents we should get to visit or we get visited. Not in my case. It's like the Stephen King film Sometimes They Come Back. And do they come back with a vengence.

My daughter lived away, got married and had a child. I used to visit, and life was good.

Well that was until she decided it was a good idea to come home, with the baby. My wifes daughter also came home with a daughter. The idea of visiiting the grand kids went out the door. They LIVED with us. Now I love the grandkids, but I am not of an age or of any sort of mood to raise kids again. So the grandkids think I am a bit grumpy from having lived with me.
Man was I grumpy.

After some more shuffling of relationships we had living with us in a small 2 bedroom house, Me, My lovely wife, my daughter, my daughters husband, my daughters daughter, my wifes daughter, her fiance and her daughter. This went on for far too long. And my wife and I spent most of our time in the bedroom because the house was overrun. Oh yea, my daughter brought her dog and cat too.

Just previous to the the onslaught I bought a new couch. What a mistake. I didn't realize I would have young children pissing, shitting, vomiting and whatever other noxious effluent they could think of depositing upon my lovely new dfs couch. The dog and cat were the only things not crapping on my couch.

I loved that couch, it was big, soft and very very comfortable to sit and sleep on. I envisioned my days off lounging on the couch watching tv. But that dream was shattered when I put my head down one day and smelled something awful.

Since that experience we moved into a very small 1 bedroom flat. It's comfortable for people to visit for about 2 days max. Then they look forward to going home.

There is this joke about a jewish man at a restaurant. He says to the waiter, taste my soup. The waiter asks, is it cold, whats wrong, is there a fly in it etc. But the man just says taste the soup. After a while the waiter comes over to taste the soup and asks where the spoon is, the jewish man exclaims AHA!!!!!

Well I want to have a few AHA's in my day. Some day when i am old and incontinent, i plan to visit everyone and SIT on thier furniture, when they complain that I piddled or worse I am just going to say AHA! Will they get it? Who cares. And wait to see the dog I will bring with me, he will be old and incontinent too, double AHA!

So if you see an old man and an old dog driving by your neighborhood practising his AHA's look out.